The Past, Present, and Future

Happy New Year! I thought I would post on this momentous occasion of the first day of 2010. Of course, I'll probably get a bit philosophical, so bear with me!

Last night I spent another New Year's Eve alone. I did horrible things - dastardly things! I overate. I watched the BBC production of North & South for the second time in two weeks (four hours worth of DVD's), cried at the end, and went to bed at 11:50 p.m. Then I lay there in the dark waiting for midnight and the New Year.

I will admit as the fire crackers started bursting outside my apartment window (thanks to my wonderful neighbors by the way), my first thought was, will this be another year that I will spend alone? Unfortunately, rather than being filled with hope that it would not, I closed my eyes in resignation to the possibility it would. I've learned that striving and agonizing over the matter changes nothing, except the state of my heart.

While listing to the popping outdoors, I said a little prayer for the things I wished for in 2010. I think all of us want health, happiness, and prosperity - even if prosperity just means possessing the finances to make our monthly bills these days.

After that, I thought about my writing goals for my two books and pondered whether it was worth the trouble since marketing is so dang hard. When the popping finally stopped, I concluded I'm driven to write whether I sell any books or not. It's part of who I am as a person, and if I start denying that gift inside, I might as well pull the covers over my head and hide the entire 2010!

As singles, we are faced with another year. What are your desires? What are your resolutions? What dreams do you hope to fulfill? What things are you glad to leave behind in 2009?

I will admit that New Year's day is really my favorite holiday of all. It gives me a clean slate. I can close the door to my disappointments, failures, heartaches, unfulfilled desires, frustrations, and tears. On the other hand, I can open a new door and step through to live another year of endless possibilities.

I'm reminded of the scripture in Philippians 3:13, "...one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead ..." I think that's great advice.

Have a wonderful New Year everyone!

Cheerfully yours,
Vicki

Be of Good Cheer

This year is the second in a row that I will be alone on Christmas Day. Last year I braved the weather and thankfully made it to Vegas for Christmas by myself. Though I was alone, I enjoyed my stay and it kept my mind busy. It wasn't bad.

Again, this year, I will be alone. Circumstances have not made it possible that I get to see my son and new granddaughter on the 25th, so I'm planning once again for day alone. I don't have room in my apartment for a Christmas tree, so there are no decorations except for some tinsel and lights across my fireplace mantel.

When Christmas morning arrives, there will be no husband next to me in bed to wake up with, and no pitter-patter of anxious little feet that can't wait for the rising of the morning sun. There will be no ripping of wrapping paper off presents, or squeals of joy or moans of disappointments filling my apartment over given gifts. Dinner time will arrive, and my dining table will be empty and no aroma of turkey will fill the air. Probably the only thing I'll hear is the buzzer from the microwave telling me my frozen dinner is done.

It's times like these I often don't think people who have it all realize how blessed they really are. I hear so many complain about the holidays and all that comes with it - family, shopping, dinners, and stress - while I, who have none of it, look at wonderment and envy at their lives.

What will I do with myself? I guess Christmas eve I will go to church and enjoy the beauty of Christmas in a gorgeous building with lighted candles. I'll watch families sitting together as they sing Christmas carols. I'll probably feel a pang of loneliness, like I usually do, struggling with the moment alone.

I am reminded, however, that Christmas is a time to be of good cheer, and I refuse to feel sorry for myself. After all, that is what Christmas is all about!

"Behold! I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.
For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour,
which is Christ the Lord."

So come Christmas morning when the world around me is enjoying time with family and those they love, I'll get up like I do every day. I'll wander around my 625 sq ft apartment with coffee in hand, let the dog out, check the weather, and eventually get dressed for the day. Perhaps I'll go to the show later on, write a few chapters, call my brother in Michigan, wait for my son to call, and then remember in the silence of my apartment that I'm not really alone.

Above all, I will remind myself to be of good cheer and reflect on the reason for the season that it's not about me and my situation - it's about Jesus.

Vicki

Is it really better?

Alfred Lord Tennyson's famous words. Is it really better? Boy that's a loaded question!

Just about every single can ponder this statement. Perhaps you have never married, but lost that one person you thought was the love of your life or your perfect soul mate. Was it better to have loved and lost them, than never knowing or loving them at all?

Perhaps you are divorced and dealing with the pain of a broken marriage. You once loved that person deeply, or you wouldn't have married them! Now, that love is lost. Would it have been better to have loved and lost than never having loved them at all?

Perhaps you have lost a spouse through death. The pain must be horrendous and the loss great. The question remains for you as well, is it better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all?

Frankly, I think it's better to have loved in our lives, rather than never knowing love with a certain individual. What would life be like if we never had the opportunity or blessed experience of loving another? I think it's dreadful actually.

Funny, the thought came to me the other day while sitting in my green recliner watching a couple kiss on TV that were in love. It's been SO long since I've felt those emotions for another human being - a man to love. It's a huge void in my life and an emotion I terribly miss.

Of course with each state of affairs comes pain. It's painful to love and lose. A broken heart is undoubtedly the worst emotional pain we suffer as human beings - at least it's been for me.

Yet there is another type of pain - it's the type of pain of never having loved at all! Loneliness and being unloved is just as horrible on many levels.

So I ask my readers this question - is it better to have loved and lost than never having loved at all? Let me know your thoughts. I'm curious.

Hugs,
Vicki

Baked Apples & Memories

Every time I buy fruit at the grocery store, it usually rots before I have a chance to eat it. Today, I was looking at my three golden delicious apples shriveling before my eyes and knew I had to take matters into my own hands. They were on the verge of rotting and drawing the last living fruit fly of the season indoors to circle above my kitchen sink. As I pondered those apples, a memory drifted back into my consciousness. I knew what I had to do to save their pitiful lives - make baked apples.

You would think making baked apples would be fun, but not MY baked apples. I once made the best baked apples in the neighborhood - so said my ex-husband and young son. Looking at those apples, I hesitated. I haven't made them in eons - in fact, I can't remember the last time I baked an apple since my divorce. I was about to embark on a memory - a fond memory - those very few from bad marriages that take you back to another time or place you sort of miss - togetherness with your family eating and praising your stellar baked apples.

It bothered me. Though I love baked apples, after 10 years of being alone those baked apples with every delicious bite (now cooking in my oven) will no doubt flood my mind with a time that once existed. After so many years of being alone, I'm faced once again with the holidays looming ahead. For years I've been alone and this year is no different.

As far as Christmas, I've been alone so long now I don't even bother with it. Last year I flew to Las Vegas and spent it at the Venetian by myself watching the Phantom of the Opera on stage. No family - no friends - no nothing - just me and the opera ghost.

Buried deep inside all these blogs lays another post about accentuating the positive and minimizing the negative during the holidays dated Thursday, November 22, 2007. I should re-read it and preach to myself.

If you're a single out there, dealing with memories of times past or mourning over memories you've never had the chance to make, please know you're not alone. I promise when I'm cooking my turkey in the next few weeks and wake up with no Christmas tree, presents, or Christmas dinner to attend, I'll think of you. Perhaps if we think of each other, we really won't be alone.

Should you need a cyber hug and encouragement those days, shoot me an email and I'll try my best to lift your spirits. If you're bored, you might want to buy my new book - a romance novel! Boy, that ought to make you feel better. (A link is off to the side.)

Hugs,
Vicki

PS...Those apples will be done pretty soon! I'm going to enjoy them immensely.

I Have a Broom

I have a broom with my name on it. Let me explain.

This afternoon I came home to my apartment, and noticed that the birds I love to feed made a horrible mess of my patio. Seeds were strewn everywhere, and I bet that Stellar Jay is to blame! So, like any other good housekeeper, I went to my hall closet and retrieved my broom to sweep off the mess.

On my way to my sliding door, I passed my dog. When she saw the broom her ears dropped and she cowered. It broke my heart.

Five years ago, I adopted my Golden Retriever from a rescue group that caters only to Goldens. Ruby, my dog, has not had the best in life. She was originally used for breeding. The first six years of her life she spent locked up in a puppy mill, pushing out babies, and sleeping in a kennel. After she was no longer useful to the breeders, she was shoved from home to home, abused, dumped, and eventually rescued.

When I brought her home, I was totally surprised at her nature. She's a dog that doesn't know how to be a dog. She won't sleep on anything of comfort. Ruby would rather scrunch up by my front door on the cold tile hugging the corner of the wall. She doesn't know how to play either. The first few weeks I had her in my home, I went to the pet store and retrieved the usual fluffy toys and balls. This dog is totally clueless as to what to do with them. Her eyes look back at me with a blank stare and not once has she played with me since I gave her a home five years ago.

Today I was surprised, as I passed her by with the broom on the way out the door, she still remembers being beaten by one. After five years, Ruby still doesn't trust me not to hit her. I never have, and I never will.

In a way it reminded me of myself. I guess, I have a broom with my name on it too. In my single blog, I've never really dealt with abusive relationships in our past, but I'm sure there are a few of you that have come out of those situations.

When I watched my dog today, I pitied her, but sadly related. There is a broom in my life, with my name on it, and there is still a fear inside of me that the next man I meet may turn out to be an abuser in disguise. I don't know what it will take for my dog to totally trust me that I will not beat her as her other owners did. Frankly, I don't know what it will take for me to trust another man not to hurt me.

For every single who reads this post and relates, you no doubt have a broom out there with your name on it as well. I found this picture on Photobucket and thought it appropriate. It represents the abuse, but it has a pretty bow tied around the handle. I guess that's what I need to do, is put some beauty back in the broom and not be so afraid of it.

I've cleaned the patio, and put the broom back in the closet. My dog is back to her old self now, but thanks to her I learned a lesson about myself today. Inspiration comes from the strangest places.

Vicki