Monday, August 17, 2009

Boiled Frog


Warning: This is going to be a weird post.

Lately I've arrived at a very strange point in my single life. I can't quite put it into words. It's sort of a combination of emotions where I have arrived at a new level of singleness. Let me explain.

Right now I feel pretty satisfied with life. I'm consumed doing something I love, which is writing. In addition, I'm busy with other things like hosting an Internet Radio Show, roleplaying with friends, and taking a trip soon to Vegas. I had a funny thought the other day that if I met someone, and I ended up getting married, I might have to give up some of these time-consuming activities! The thought actually scared me! I feel like I'm clinging to a security blanket, because I've come to love busyness as a substitution.

I'm not saying I don't still mumble to God about my single state, because I do. I still would love to be held, kissed, and have a good roll in the hay (pardon my frankness). However, I think I've come to a place of - that's all there is folks! I'm making the best of my life "as is."

For some nagging reason though I keep thinking of the story of the frog in the pot and am wondering if I'm just getting slowly boiled to death. You've probably heard about it. You put a frog in a kettle filled with cool water and then gradually heat the kettle until it starts boiling. The comfortable frog isn't aware of the changing temperature. When death is imminent, he feels the discomfort, but then it's too late and he ends up cooked! Why in the world I equate that to my single life is quite bizarre.

I guess I wonder if I'm that frog! I've been in the pot alone for 11 years now. I haven't noticed my heart becoming hard as a rock, my desires for love dying, or the fact I've come to accept a fate that might not even be mine! Perhaps I'm using my current life filled with busyness as a substitution for a loving and caring relationship. I have to admit too that getting in another relationship does scare the daylights out of me, and I use all sorts of excuses not to.

For now the water in the pot is comfortable, but I'm thinking if I stay in this frame of mind for too long I'm going to end up emotionally dead. Yes, I know, bizarre post. That is what happens when you write hungry.

Vicki

P.S. I should dedicate this to my deceased mother who loved to eat frog legs. Yuck.

5 comments:

The Singlutionary said...

Vicki,

Sometimes i wonder the same thing. I think that if I'm so happy with my single life, am I somehow preventing myself from some kind of destined-coupledom. But I've come to accept that if things feel right, they are right. Right now I enjoy being single. If I were to have the right person walk into my life I would enjoy being with that person!

I don't think your heart is getting hard! I think you're so busy sharing yourself with the world through your writing that you're just on the path you're supposed to be on!

But I do know how you feel. I sometimes second guess myself in the same way. And then I give up because I'm having too much fun doing what I want to do.

LoHo said...

You are so far from emotionally dead! There is so much passion and love in you -- think Phanton and your Son -- hard pressed to think of a more loving Mother. You are every color of the rainbow and share that warmth with those around you. Your love of the Phantom has brought so much joy to so many people. Guess you aren't that frog in the pot! :)

Beatrice said...

Wow! You just said a lot of the same things that I feel! I think that you have to have faith that if someone comes into your life, that you will be able to change your life so that person fits in. He will love your busyness! Our tendency is to want very much to be around our significant other in the early throes of a relationship, so you will find yourself with changing priorities Humans are wonderfully flexible creatures, although some of us more than others!

You probably know all of this, though! : ) I just wanted to say thanks for saying what I would have said if I'd found the right words. Or something like that. LOL.

Scott B said...

Recommended reading: Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas by Tom Robbins

Kacie said...

Wow you just said what I've been feeling for the last 4 years. This just really opened my eyes.