Sunday, June 28, 2009

The Simple Joys of Maidenhood

I took Friday off last week to catch up on "stuff." It's the kind of stuff, if I were married, I could have my husband do. You know, ladies, it's those chores we live for every 3,000 miles, if we are good about it.

Friday morning started with a car wash. The last time I washed my car was August of 2008. I can see all the male eyebrows raise. Yes, it's been that long. It rains a lot in Oregon, so why bother. I figure whatever dust it collects, the next storm will rinse the dirt away. Funny thing happened, though on the way through the car wash. While the blower was throwing 80 mph winds toward my car, it ripped off part of a strip that holds the front window in place. Thank goodness, I was able to snap it back. Lucky me.

Then I went to get my Armor All wipes to take a year's worth of dust off inside my car, and I must have left the plastic lid open last August, because they were all dried up. I improvised by scooping up a few leftover water drops the 80 mph didn't blow off from my car and was able to get one moist enough to clean months of dust and dog hair. Yes, and I even vacuumed the car floor, after remembering to bring millions of quarters for that vacuum that gives you 45 seconds for 25 cents. What a ripoff.

Then I was off to Jiffy Lube! I was only 100 miles over the little window tag, but why I have such fear of oil changes I'll never know. Probably because I never check my oil. I always think I have only a few drops left, so I procrastinate thinking I'm going to get some horrid news when I do show up that I've blown my engine by not topping off the oil. Lucky me, only 1/2 quart down. Whew! Good for another 3,000 miles. Of course, then they try to sell you everything under the sun from filters to flushes, all of which I usually put off too.

Then I drove across the street to Les Schwab to get my tires rotated and my brakes checked. My brakes make more noise than a rusty hinge, so I figured I was due. Frankly, I can't remember the last time I rotated, needlessness to say the girl behind the counter raised her eyebrow at me when she saw my record. Right away, I said, "Hey! What do you expect from a single woman?" I sat in the waiting room eating my free popcorn and sniffing the aroma of rubber. Why do men like that odor anyway? If they could, I'm sure someone would make an aftershave with rubber smell. Instead of Old Spice, we could name it Old Tire. I'm always so glad to get fresh air when I leave the tire joint. Well, lucky me, my brakes are still okay, but why they squeal I have no idea.

Then it was off to shop, bank, and groceries. As usual, I leave the 24 count of bottled water from Costco in the car, because I can't haul that sucker into my apartment. I only buy the 20 pound bag of dog food, because 40 can't make it to the door. A lot of times, I just leave stuff in my trunk that's too heavy to haul and get it as I need it. Works for me.

Then there's the garbage. I hate hauling my garbage. The bins at the apartment building are a pain. You have to lift the black rubber lid, throw the bag up over your shoulders, and hope it sinks to the bottom of the smelly thing. I usually wrench my neck or shoulder in the process, especially on those days my garbage is filled with leftovers and spoiled everything I've purged from my refrigerator.

Such is the life of a single woman. I'm reminded of another song, "The Simple Joys of Madienhood." It's days like these, I wonder where those simple joys are! Maybe I just need a personal male assistant to help me with all this junk. I'm taking applications, for Knights in Shining Armor, if anyone is interested, that can save me from all of the above.

Where are the simple joys of maidenhood?
Where are all those adoring daring boys?
Where's the knight pining so for me
he leaps to death in woe for me?
Oh where are a maiden's simple joys?

Shan't I have the normal life a maiden should?
Shall I never be rescued in the wood?
Shall two knights never tilt for me
and let their blood be spilt for me?
Oh where are the simple joys of maidenhood?

Shall I not be on a pedestal,
Worshipped and competed for?
Not be carried off, or better st'll,
Cause a little war?
Where are the simple joys of maidenhood?

Are those sweet, gentle pleasures gone for good?
Shall a feud not begin for me?
Shall kith not kill their kin for me?
Oh where are the trivial joys?
Harmless, convivial joys?
Where are the simple joys of maidenhood?

ARTIST: Alan Jay Lerner and Frederick Loewe
TITLE: The Simple Joys of Maidenhood