Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Is It My Thyroid or Is It My Heart?

The other night I put on The Holiday, which is a Christmas-type movie. Frankly, I love it. One woman crying because the man she loves is engaged to another, and she bemoans her singleness ("Single. I hate my horrible life.") The other one breaks up with an unfaithful boyfriend and calls herself a "loser, loner, and complicated wreck." Why do I laugh over those lines? Maybe it's some kind of sick release I find inside watching the heartache of others - even if it's just a movie.

Of course, each of the women find a happy ending and love. Jude Law I'd probably do on a one-night stand myself. Shocking, I know. He's such an English doll face. As far as the scenery, you can keep the mansion in LA and give me the cottage in Cotsworth. My English fantasy--living in England, inside a quaint country cottage, writing books all day long.

Nevertheless, every time I pull that movie out, which is usually yearly as the holidays come closer, I pop my popcorn, get my glass of Merlot, and sit in my recliner. Then I watch the movie and people fall in love. However, at the end of it last Sunday night, I felt profound pain in my soul. I don't know how to describe it, except it was a huge chasm in my chest that led to a dark, empty space inside. There have been times I've hurt profusely over my loneliness but never like this.

I cried when Cameron Diaz finally cried again (you'll have to watch it if you don't get that statement), and she realized that she was really in love. What a gift! Another soul to love you.

This November I face my 12th year without a mate. Twelve years of an empty bed and lack of intimacy, which frankly, I think, is damn right cruel. Nevertheless, I keep breathing. I keep living. I keep writing my stories so other women fall in love with my characters and books. Is that my lot in life--to feed other lonely women with romantic what if's?

Just recently, too, I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. I guess it can really wreak havoc upon your emotions with regard to anxiety, depression, and short tempers. There have been other symptoms, as well, but I can attest that it has affected me emotionally. I guess I'm hoping that gaping hole I felt in my heart Sunday night wasn't as deep as I believed. Perhaps it was just my overactive thyroid making me feel more desperate in my single condition.

With the holidays approaching, we're all dealing with the loneliness and stress it often brings. Since Thanksgiving is next week, I probably won't have time to write again. I just wanted to wish you all a blessed holiday season. Just remember when you're feeling really, really bad over your single state, it may not be your empty heart, it could be your thyroid symptoms instead.

To all you loners, losers, complicated wrecks, and singles who hate your horrible life, remember that you are not alone in your pain. It's becoming a chronic condition that I can attest to as my Feedburner stats from subscribers are the highest they have ever been. Loneliness in our busy world, especially around the holidays for those who do not have a significant other, can be painful. I know who you are and so do my readers. Find solace in the fact that there are others just like you, so in essence you're not really alone.

Happy Holidays.

All my best,

P.S. I'm having some fun with the poll over to the right. Which describes you the best?

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Updating My Singleness

Yes, yes, I know . . . I hardly ever post here any longer.  The main reason is because my life is consumed (not with another man), with writing and taking care of my two-year old granddaughter.  Anyone with a toddler under foot, understands how your life gets sucked into another universe.  It's almost impossible to do two things at once.

However, I have done two things.  I just released my third novel, The Price of Deception. In addition, I'm maintaining a more active new blog on WordPress, entitled The Legacy Series.  Most of my posts and marketing have been geared toward The Price of Innocence and The Price of Deception.  I was eventually going to swing this blog over to WordPress, too, and am still working on it.

I released The Price of Deception on Kindle and Smashwords Sunday night.  Still waiting for my Library of Congress number, and then it's off to the printers for paperback distribution.  Wanna see?  CLICK HERE  If you want to pop on over and hit the "LIKE" button, I won't break your thumb.   Thumbs up help in being noticed.

At any rate, I thoroughly enjoyed writing this emotional book.  Even though it took a lot out of me, I'm happy with the story and the outcome that sets the scene for Book Three, The Price of Love.  What's in it?  Oh, let's see (strokes chin):  aristocrats, women, brothels, a duel, adultery (oh dear!), deceit, lies, and a bit of mental madness thrown in just to spice it up.

I'll try and post more often, but won't promise too much.  Please hop over and subscribe to my WordPress blog, if you'd like to read my posts more often, even if it's on another subject such as the 19th century way of life..  

Once again, kudos to my very cool cover designer - Robin Ludwig.  I would have liked to commission a cover with bulging abs and boobs, rather than using stock photography, but my budget wouldn't allow it.  Although, I do occasionally drop over to Jon Paul Studios and drool over his work.  Oh, if only I were rich. (WARNING TO LONELY WOMEN CLICKING ON THIS LINK:  I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR DROOLING, SWOONING, OR FAINTING OVER YOUR OBSERVATION OF HOT MEN IN THE ARMS OF WOMEN .  PROCEED WITH CAUTION.)

Sunday, June 26, 2011

I Apologize...

I know that I have terribly neglected this blog lately, and to my readers I apologize.  Taking care of my granddaughter and working full time has been quite a challenge for me.  To add to the problem, I broke a bone in my shoulder after taking a tumble and am dealing with pain and recovery.

My single life, of course, continues as is.  It's been interesting having my son live with me part-time.  I didn't realize how much I have not missed the man-hairs to clean up in a bathroom after all these years of living alone.  You sort of forget those perks that males leave behind in the sink after shaving and doing other man-type things.  I think if I ever lived with a male again after 12 years of being alone, I would go into shock for the first three over bodily functions, body odor, and hair droppings.  

The other night, I was watching 20/20, who aired a show about Match.com and a group of gullible women who got scammed online by men they met on that dating site.  Frankly, it's sort of sad in a variety of ways.  These women trusted words written by men they never met and forked over thousand of dollars to help them when they asked.  They trusted in these guys had fallen in love with them, when all along they were scam artists, some of whom lived abroad.  The scammers had stolen pictures of others from social networking sites, along with their bios, and used them as their own.

Vulnerability, of course, is the big reason these women fell for the scams, because they were lonely and just wanted to be loved.  After years of trying online, I've given that bucket of lies up long, long ago.  It just isn't worth it to me anymore.  I can't imagine becoming emotionally involved with someone typing emails and never having met them face to face.  Even if you do meet someone face to face, who is to say they still won't scam you into believing they love you, when all along they love your wallet instead.  Gosh, the Bachelorette can't even tell face-to-face when a guy is a real jerk and using her.  What's wrong with women these days?  Is our radar broken?  Or are we just plain desperate that we can't think straight? 

Anyway, just wanted to check in and say my posts will continue to be sporadic based upon my personal life and other interests taking priority.  Thanks for your understanding.


Saturday, April 30, 2011

'Til Death Do You Part

Yesterday, like 2 billion viewers on the face of the planet, I was glued to the television from 3:30 a.m. and then the Internet and TV programs throughout the day.  It was April 29, 2011 - the day of the Royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, now the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.  Needless to say I was enthralled over the occasion and cried now and then over the entire fairytale unfolding before my eyes.

I just returned from London 10 days prior, and walked through the same doors of Westminster Abbey the royal party and bride and groom entered in and out of yesterday, without the red carpet.  Surreal to say the least, as well as having walked the wedding route and down the Mall to Buckingham Palace to stand by the gate and gawk at the opulent structure.

The lavish wedding was breathtaking to say the least  Catherine has such poise, and the couple look as if they are a perfect match - a match made in heaven that perhaps this time will last.  As I watched the 700,000 plus people choke the streets of London and proceed down to Buckingham to witness the infamous first kiss, I couldn't help but be moved by the joy of the occasion and the well wishes for a happy and successful marriage.  

Sigh...a fairytale indeed, that I think most people wish for nowadays.  We need more fairytales, don't we?  It was hard not to backtrack my life to 28 years ago to the day I wed.  How many of us divorcees that went through the preparations of weddings, dresses, cake orders, churches, rehearsals, receptions, and photographs not relate to that day when we thought we were living our fairytale and our happily ever after moment?  :raise hands please:  

I think half of my tears shed yesterday were part of joy and well wishes for Kate and William and at least one bucket of those tears were remorse that my beautiful day of October 22, 1983 has somehow faded into obscurity.  All that remains is a life alone, and memories of my smoking hot body and beautiful dress once featured in Bride's Magazine.  I was a princess for a day, and I think all brides feel that upon their wedding day, as we walk the aisle to what we perceive as our prince charming (though he may turn out one day to be a frog).

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post, except wading through a lake of nostalgia over the past and things lost.  It does, however, remind me of the sanctity of marriage and the symbolism of a man and a woman becoming husband and wife.  The Bible states marriage is a symbol of how Christ loves His church - an eternal bond with the foundation of one laying down his life for another. 
" Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her."  (Ephesians 5:25)  And ". . . the wife must respect her husband."  (Ephesians 5:33)  
Are these two verses of advice really the key to a happy marriage? I'm inclined to think they hold an important key, because women long for love and men need respect to find happiness and wholeness.  When those two elements in a marriage begin to fade, the problems begin.

So here we are, my single readers!  I'm not sure how many of you are divorced with failed marriages nor am I sure how many of you have never been married and wish to have your fairytale day like Catherine.   However, yesterday, at least for me, put the emphasis back on the very important and eternal matter of the need for happily ever after in all of our lives.  I sincerely pray that William and Catherine enjoy a blessed life together, for no doubt they represent a yearning in many of our lives for love and beauty. 

We don't need to be royalty or have riches to be happy in life, but we all need to be loved and respected.  If we give those two gifts, we can give our spouses true riches that last for eternity.  I have no idea if the gift of marriage, as I've called it before, waits for me somewhere down another path.  Though I've arrived at times, too, of finally being at peace with my situation, it doesn't mean that the longing to be loved and the opportunity to respect a husband doesn't reside deep within the recesses of my heart somewhere, because it does.  I don't think that desire will ever die, because for me that's where my fairytale lies, and it's an unfulfilled page in the book of my life.

Wishing each and every one of you, and William and Catherine too, a happily ever after.


Sunday, April 24, 2011

Another Holiday

Woke up this morning on a rainy Easter morning thinking of the day ahead. Yesterday it was 70 degrees and sunny, but today is another story with clouds and rain.

Once again, as I hit a holiday, I am reminded of my childhood. Christmas brought its own set of memories to mind, and now I'm reliving my Easters for some reason.

I grew up on an era where Easter was incorporated into society without any qualms. I distinctly remember that on Good Friday the stores in Detroit, Michigan would close from the hours of Noon to 3:00 p.m. in honor of Christ's suffering on the cross. After 3:00 p.m., the suffering would have ended, so we could go shopping again or back to work. Most work places were quite understanding of religious beliefs too and let employees off during those hours to go to church. On Easter Sunday, the stores were closed. Boy, have things changed!

As far as family matters, getting a new dress for Easter was always a big deal. With the new dress came a new hat, gloves, shoes, and a purse. We didn't always go to church every Sunday, but we sure went for Easter. It was the one day I always got to dress up like a pretty little princess.

For some odd reason I always remember sunny warm Easter Sundays, with pictures taken outside on the front porch or in the backyard. We'd go off to church, and then come home for a huge family dinner of ham, which my mother always cooked. Sometimes we would spend it with one of her brothers (she had four), for a family affair where we all got together to celebrate the day.

I suppose my vivid memories that bring such pleasure of happy days with families is an important reminder to me, as I take care of my granddaughter, that building memories for her as a child will be important too. Growing up in stable homes with love is important to become a well-rounded individual as adults.

Yet as I look back upon my childhood memories, I'm still faced with the fact that I'm not sharing it with a significant other during this time of my life. In fact, I was thinking yesterday that it's been 12 years now since my life changed to "single." Even though I had one short serious relationship since that time, I don't seem to count it much anymore out of those 12 years since it didn't culminate in marriage.

I'm not sure where my readers are today or what Easter means to you. Of course, it is a religious holiday for Christians to commemorate the resurrection of Christ, but for others it's merely a day to celebrate that Spring has arrived and think of bunny rabbits, chocolate, and eggs.

However, deep within the meaning from religion to Spring lies a message that things that were once dead have a way of coming back to life again, whether it's a dead body in a grave or a bulb buried deep in the ground that now sprouts from the earth with new life. The flowers bloom, the trees push forth their leaves, and hay fever returns. It's nature's symbol to you that life goes on, even when we think it's dead.

Perhaps that's the message as singles we need to bring to our lives today, that though we have days that feel an awful lot like death - whether we're dead inside from the lack of companionship or dormant in hope that things will ever change - it doesn't necessarily mean it's for eternity. Life has a way of renewing itself.

The next time Spring comes back into your life, it could bloom into that man or woman you've been patiently or impatiently waiting for to save you from your solitude, or it might be a another type of bloom that brings to you grace for another year to survive alone.

Whatever blooms in your life this Easter, have a Happy Easter, dear readers. Happy Easter indeed.


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

The Search for Affirmation

Facebook, MySpace, and Twitter, are our social network mediums that take up much of my/our time. I often wonder why I spend hours sometimes, especially on Facebook, reading posts of my 888 friends on my personal page, most of whom I have no idea who they are. I have 670 on my Author Fan Page, which is nice. However, a ton of those aren't on my personal friend page. Needless to say, I'd be lying if I didn't confess I like the thought of over a thousand people that know my name and read my personal moans or news about my books.

What is it about social networking that drags us into its clutches? Frankly, I think it's a matter of affirmation. It seems people need to be known, to be seen, to be heard, to be friended, and to be an important part of a community in some sense. However, social networking over the Internet, as far as I'm concerned, has taken its toll on personal identification with others face to face. It's so much easier to sit behind my computer screen and click page by page looking for affirmation than to risk being rejected in person.

As singles who are alone in so many ways, I really believe there is a deep need in each of us to search out affirmation of some kind for our existence. There isn't the other half in our life to give us that affirmation. There's no spouse standing by our side, putting their arm around us to comfort and encourage. We're an island all by ourselves, begging to be known and to be seen. We search for affirmation that we as human beings possess worth, even in the strangest places.

I can't tell you how often I wish for a mate and how lonely I get not having someone to share my life with. Recently, I've been bugging my 26-year old son to pick up one of my books and read one. Why? I have an overwhelming need to be known, and that's a part of me he doesn't know nor does he understand. It's the creative part of my soul that writes my thoughts, beliefs, desires, and longings into stories that I pen. Actually, it's a very important part of who I am as a person. However, he's not much of a reader, and I don't think anytime soon he will pick one of my books out and find out who his mother really is as a person.

Writing, however, for me does give me some sense of affirmation in my life. It's about the only thing that affirms to me that I have worth in some area. When I receive an email or a post on Facebook about how my work touched someone's heart, I feel needed. Somehow the universe aligns, and I know my place for a brief moment, even if I'm standing in that universe as a single without a man at my side loving the real Vicki.

However, even through that affirmation in my life I receive as an author, I still find that deep longing and emptiness in my soul to be one with another human. I love the thought of blending the very essence of who I am with a man, and that man blending the very essence of who he is with me. Even though sex brings together the physical oneness (as great as that is), it's the oneness in soul that I think is the deepest satisfaction of any relationship. Yet, here we are, together on this blog, as singles - one soul alone seeking affirmation among a society that we are worth loving.

I guess I'll just keep penning my thoughts and dreaming what it would be like to blend myself into another soul. It's a glory I've only known briefly once in my life, but it was undoubtedly the most glorious moments of affirmation I've ever known. It was unconditional love between two people.

In closing, I guess I'll continue to look in other places for the big A. And if you get a chance, move over your mouse to the right a few inches and LIKE my author page on Facebook. You'll fill my need for affirmation.


Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Single Humor

I apologize for being MIA for a few months, but as you know, my granddaughter and son came to live with me.  While my son works (he goes up to the arctic circle on the pipelines), I'm the full-time caregiver for the little one.  Frankly, folks, it wears me out, but I'm hanging in there.

In the meantime, I got a cold that turned into pneumonia within a few days.  I was pretty much toast for a week or more.  I'm about to go on vacation too for eight nights in London, so I'm looking forward to the break.

Now that I'm done apologizing, I will try and get back to writing after I come home from my trip.  In the meantime, I came across this recently thanks to someone who posted it on Facebook.  Looks like it's made the rounds for a while, but it was new to me.  In case you haven't seen it, I thought all you frustrated single women out there might enjoy it.  All I can say to her comments is...Amen!  I had a good laugh.


Monday, February 14, 2011

Ah, Valentine's Day

Ah, Valentine's day. We are helpless. Every year it arrives on February 14th whether we want it or not. It's that big reminder for all you singles out there - YOU AIN'T GOT NOBODY! Sorry to be so rude and frank.

As I look at the picture of Cupid, who has apparently shot an arrow somewhere, I've come to the conclusion he's just a lousy shot. Maybe we can blame the lack of romantic love in our lives on him this year? A little projection helps the psyche now and then, don't you think?

Wikipedia says, and I quote: "In Roman mythology, Cupid (Latin cupido, meaning "desire") is the god of desire, affection and erotic love. He is the son of goddess Venus and god Mars." Apparently, we humans, think when his golden arrow is shot into some unsuspecting heart, we're bound to fall in love.

Love, of course, comes in many flavors. I wrote a blog post some years back on my Lessons From the Phantom of the Opera blog, so I thought I would repost some of my thoughts for you here, while you're eating your Valentine box of chocolates.

The word for love in the original Greek language actually describes three types. When we read love in the English language, we see a four letter word describing all aspects. The English word for love narrowly defines its meaning and does not do it justice.

The Greek language defines love as follows:

  • Eros – the type of love that is sensual with desire and longing. It denotes passion rather than affection like Agape.
  • Agape – the type of love associated with our spouses, children, parents. It denotes affection, rather than passion, like eros.
  • Philia – a term used for platonic love, such as friends, family, community. It’s a concept of loyalty.
We all know the famous words describing love in action: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (I Corinthians 13:4-7)

The word for love is this text is Agape love, which is also the definition used to describe God's love for mankind in scripture. We can read the words above and see a description of love in its perfection, but I dare say not many of us have experienced such perfect love from humans in our own lives. Our concept of love as individuals is molded by our experiences from how others treat us. There are times that love hurts. For some individuals, it's easy to see love and life through rose-colored glasses. Sorry, I'm not that way. I definitely have the dark shades on.

Each of my readers here have different perceptions of love. Our concept of love is formed from our life experiences. Whether we are children or adults, how we are treated by others close to us that profess love, paints a picture. For me, my romantic life has been the pits, riddled with personal heartbreak. Every man that has uttered the words, "I love you" has either betrayed me, been unfaithful, lied, or abused me emotionally or physically. Because of these experiences, do you think that my view of love might be a bit distorted?

In any event, as we reflect on February 14th once again, it's good to remind ourselves that love comes in various forms. Though Cupid is strictly the Eros love, which is sorely lacking in our lives, we are left with the Agape and Philia love instead. With that knowledge, I guess we take what love we do have. For me, it is an 18-month old granddaughter who opens her arms wide to me and shows me affection or my son who appreciates his mom with "love ya" text messages. Then there's that cat, who sticks his face in mine every night and tickles me with his white whiskers and purrs telling me he cares. To round it off, there is the caring friendship love of those close to me.

For the Eros love that I lack, I write my books, watch my historical romance DVD's, and just dream about things that will no doubt never come to pass in my life again. I've come to believe that the gift of lasting Eros love is truly just that -- a gift -- whether from Cupid's arrow or God's hand. It's one I've not been given in life. I've mourned its absence, and I make the best of it. I suppose, though, that is why I so strongly encourage people to keep, cherish, and never toss away romantic love once received. There's no guarantee it will ever grace your life again.

My suggestion to you? If you're a woman, go out and buy yourself a dozen red roses and enjoy the fragrance of the rose in your home. (I love roses, because they are filled with symbolism too that romantic love can be a fragrant thing, but it can also prick your heart with its thorn and make you bleed.) If you're a guy, well, frankly I'm not quite sure what you guys do, but go do it.

Sending you flowers on this Valentine's day and Philia love.


Thursday, February 3, 2011

Alone No More...Well Not What I Had Pictured

Well, I'm no longer living alone.  That's right.  The last time I checked, I was finally settling into a routine of acceptance and peace.  I had buried myself in my work as an author, stopped striving about ever finding love again, and finally  got off my anti depressants, feeling actually happy.  

However, just as I smugly realized I had arrived at a point of contentment, life threw me a curve ball.  Well, not actually a ball - it was my 18-month old granddaughter who landed on my doorstep along with my 26-year old son needing a place to live.  Wait a minute!  I didn't ask for this!  Where's my prince charming?  Where's the love of my life?  Looks like my love is dressed in pink with pig-tails.  Is this God's sense of humor?  (He's snickering...I can feel it.)

As of last week, my life turned upside down.  I ended up moving into a two-bedroom apartment.  My son came home, and my granddaughter entered my life.  Cute as a button.  As of tonight at 6:00 p.m., my son is due to fly back to Alaska for his work.  He goes to the arctic circle every two weeks to work on the pipelines.  When he steps on that plane, I'll be the sole source of my granddaughter's needs.

I was shocked over facing poopey diapers, snotty noses, and little tantrums being part of my life again.  My writing will have to take a back seat.  There will be no time to mourn my loneliness, because my apartment is filled with toys and playpens.  This was not what I signed up for, but I guess God thinks it's what I need or maybe that it's what my granddaughter and son needs.

Needless to say, I'm in a state of shock.  Guess, I'll adjust.  You have to admit, she's a little princess, though.  I have a feeling she's going to wrap me around her little finger very soon.