The other night I put on The Holiday, which is a Christmas-type movie. Frankly, I love it. One woman crying because the man she loves is engaged to another, and she bemoans her singleness ("Single. I hate my horrible life.") The other one breaks up with an unfaithful boyfriend and calls herself a "loser, loner, and complicated wreck." Why do I laugh over those lines? Maybe it's some kind of sick release I find inside watching the heartache of others - even if it's just a movie.
Of course, each of the women find a happy ending and love. Jude Law I'd probably do on a one-night stand myself. Shocking, I know. He's such an English doll face. As far as the scenery, you can keep the mansion in LA and give me the cottage in Cotsworth. My English fantasy--living in England, inside a quaint country cottage, writing books all day long.
Nevertheless, every time I pull that movie out, which is usually yearly as the holidays come closer, I pop my popcorn, get my glass of Merlot, and sit in my recliner. Then I watch the movie and people fall in love. However, at the end of it last Sunday night, I felt profound pain in my soul. I don't know how to describe it, except it was a huge chasm in my chest that led to a dark, empty space inside. There have been times I've hurt profusely over my loneliness but never like this.
I cried when Cameron Diaz finally cried again (you'll have to watch it if you don't get that statement), and she realized that she was really in love. What a gift! Another soul to love you.
This November I face my 12th year without a mate. Twelve years of an empty bed and lack of intimacy, which frankly, I think, is damn right cruel. Nevertheless, I keep breathing. I keep living. I keep writing my stories so other women fall in love with my characters and books. Is that my lot in life--to feed other lonely women with romantic what if's?
Just recently, too, I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. I guess it can really wreak havoc upon your emotions with regard to anxiety, depression, and short tempers. There have been other symptoms, as well, but I can attest that it has affected me emotionally. I guess I'm hoping that gaping hole I felt in my heart Sunday night wasn't as deep as I believed. Perhaps it was just my overactive thyroid making me feel more desperate in my single condition.
With the holidays approaching, we're all dealing with the loneliness and stress it often brings. Since Thanksgiving is next week, I probably won't have time to write again. I just wanted to wish you all a blessed holiday season. Just remember when you're feeling really, really bad over your single state, it may not be your empty heart, it could be your thyroid symptoms instead.
To all you loners, losers, complicated wrecks, and singles who hate your horrible life, remember that you are not alone in your pain. It's becoming a chronic condition that I can attest to as my Feedburner stats from subscribers are the highest they have ever been. Loneliness in our busy world, especially around the holidays for those who do not have a significant other, can be painful. I know who you are and so do my readers. Find solace in the fact that there are others just like you, so in essence you're not really alone.
All my best,
P.S. I'm having some fun with the poll over to the right. Which describes you the best?