Sunday, November 25, 2012

Tell Me What's Bothering You

The past two months I thought I'd try counseling again to help me through some down times and life disappointments.  Not that any of you out there have any down times or disappointments.  As usual, I'll do the confessing for you.

I've been to counseling about four times in my life.  Twice for short periods during my 18-year marriage - once for endurance; the other for the courage to leave a harmful relationship.  Then when I got my heart broken in 2005, I crawled back in the chair and had a good cry.  Since then, it's just been me, my dog or cat, and my disappointments to carry on my own.  

Since I have a number of free sessions that I can use through my insurance before I have to pay out of pocket, I thought I would sit back in the chair and bellyache awhile to a friendly ear.  I went back to the same person I had seen in 2005 thinking it was a good fit.  Last week, she pretty much kicked me to the curb as a lost cause.  Not in so many words, but it sure does get discouraging when you can't seem to change the way your counselor wants you to at a snap of the fingers.

Needless to say, her style irked me, so I'm not going back.  I think the biggest contention we had was her wanting to change me into some type of social butterfly by getting me out there more to socialize.  Yeah, I hibernate.  Yeah, I write fantasy fiction.  Yeah, I don't have many friends.  However, I still consider myself a fairly mentally stable individual.  I'm not about to kill myself or anyone else.  There are things in life I find pleasure in, it's just not being a social butterfly.  

I guess she thinks if I put myself out there, then I'll meet someone.  That, of course, was my biggest complaint.  No mate and no sex for 13 years.  However, I had other issues I wanted to touch upon, hurts, disappointments, and revelations of recent regarding the bad decisions I've made in life.  Most of those can be attributed to my childhood sexual abuse.  Unfortunately, we never got to that point.

It's really hard, too, to feel good about yourself when there isn't anyone in your life to drop positive things in return.  I told her I felt bankrupt inside, because I don't have a mate or close companion.  A healthy relationship in my mind is one where we each deposit good things into each other.  We love, support, and validate the worth we have as human beings.  Without someone, it's really hard.

Perhaps my counselor, who is married by the way, thinks the way to fill that void is to fill it with things that I don't deem that relevant.  Having lunch with someone at work, going out after work for a drink with the girls, or inviting someone over isn't really my cup of tea. I've done it before -- it still doesn't fill the void -- it only fills the empty hours alone.  I've always been a shy and solitary person, but I've also been a very passionate and loving one with the right people in my life.

None of the issues I wanted to tackle, were tackled.  Her agenda differed from mine.  She thinks I'm in denial.  Perhaps I am.  However, I've always been resistant to people trying to change and mold me into what they think I should be, rather than letting me polish who I really am underneath.  Is that so wrong? 

In any event, I may after the first of the year find another counselor to talk with, or maybe I won't.  For now, Whiskers my cat listens to all my gripes.  He climbs into my lap when he sees me cry, and purrs when I love on him to let me know he loves me in return.  

Just telling my readers how it is with me in the single life.  I really started this blog years ago just to dump my frustrations. It's interesting though how many emails I get telling me it mirrors the very thing my readers feel.

Have a great week,
Vicki

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Simple Pleasures of Validation

Well, I never hear the words, "Honey, you did great," from a man in my life that loves me.  So finding validation in other sources is a must-need, if I'm going to make it through this drought-filled single life. This week one of my books, won an award.
"Dark Persuasion," which I released this past August, won in the USA Book News competition and has received the title of:

Award-Winning Finalist in the 'Fiction: Romance' category of The 2012 USA Best Book Awards, sponsored by USA Book News

Then to top it off, I released my newest book under the pen name of J.D. Burrows, entitled "Conflicting Hearts."  It's an Adult Contemporary Romance: Recommended Mature Audiences 18+, about a woman struggling to overcome the effects of childhood sexual abuse.  It's pretty emotional and heavy, but receiving a lot of positive comments.
Anyway, such is the validation I receive in life.  I hope that each of you, too, use your given talents to seek out validation from other sources to fill your lives as much as you can. Does writing completely fill mine? No, of course, it doesn't; but at least it helps in taking my mind off of the huge void inside of my heart of wanting to love and be loved in return.

My best to you for a wonderful holiday season ahead.

Vicki

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Sex and the Single

All right, let's get real.  I've never really talked much about this subject the entire time I've had this blog.  It's the "S" word, and frankly, I can't seem to remember what it's like to have any.

I will be very frank that it's been a 13-year drought for me.  If I had the chance to stand before God, I would look at him and say, "Are you joking?  Thirteen freaking years and no sex?  How much longer is this torture going to go on?"

He'd no doubt snicker and shrug His shoulders.  As you can see, I'm dealing with a tad bit of anger over unanswered prayer.  As far as I'm concerned, it's cruel sadistic torture.

It would be one thing if I were not a sex-driven woman, but I'm not.  Passion is my middle name.  I've always been on sex overload. Why do you think I write romance novels during this drought?  I'm creating a fantasy land and men in my mind, because I have no reality.  I'm frankly to the point that it's been so long since a man has touched me, that I'm feeling starved and it's causing problems.  Mostly, that I can't stop thinking about s.e.x., which no doubt feeds my need.  It doesn't matter how old you are, believe me.

Recently, I decided to jump back into the counselor chair because I'm having trouble dealing with my singleness that keeps going on and on like the energizer bunny.  At my age now, I'm pretty much convinced any chance for a loving relationship in my life before they put me six feet under has passed me by.  My hope is gone.  My faith is dead.  However, my body is alive, and my desires are real, and I can't shut them off.

So how do we deal with a sexless life as a single?  Oh, I could go places with that question, but I'll pass.  I've toyed with paying for it.  I've fantasized over it.  I watch movies and cry over it.  I get aroused thinking about it.  Yet, I don't have any of it.  Not that any of you out there have that problem, right?

This is a post with NO answers.  It's a post of honesty and frustration.  Just imagine me pointing my finger at you.  "Hey you!  You're not alone!"  Well maybe you are, but you're not alone in being alone and struggling with the stuff that makes us humans and single.  

I'll let you know if my counselor has any answers.  Probably not, but what the hell, my insurance coverage gives me six free sessions so I'm taking advantage of it.

Fondly,
Vicki

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Coming Out...Well, Sort Of

As most of my readers know, I am an author, as well as blogging.  Lately, I've been going through a time of memory resurrection, thanks to that damn Fifty Shades of Grey book.  If you want to know what I think, visit the page here at this blog.

With all the hype about it worldwide, part of me wants to scream to the world that being a f**cked up individual because of abuse doesn't make you sexy or romantic.  I'm no Christian Grey or Anastasia Steele, but I am a female who was touched by childhood sexual abuse.  The one line in that book where Grey says, "I don't know any other way...this is the way I am," really slapped me across the face.  I sighed, shook my head, and said "damn - you got that right."

As usual, I find release and healing through writing.  In the last three weeks my muse has bombarded me with an idea for a book, and I'm about three-quarters of the way through.  If you wish to know anything about it, or follow at: J.D. Burrows, Author of "Conflicting Hearts".  I've chosen a pen name for this work, because it's so different from the historical romance genre I usually write in.

What's it about?   Well, let's just say it's yours truly wrapped into a fiction novel, telling a story about a woman who struggles with the effects of childhood sexual abuse.

Please feel free to pop over to my new site and check it out.  Register by email, if you wish to follow the journey.  I will in the next few months be blogging heavily about this part of my life, and it will include a lot of my singleness as well.

Thanks much,
Vicki

Monday, July 30, 2012

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Filling Up Space

Bored, alone, nothing much to do. I've started another blog reviewing movies and TV shows that I watch on Amazon and Netflix. The sick life of a single. You're welcome to join me at:

Popcorn Entertainment

The least I can do is give you some recommendations on movies to fill up the hours home alone. Sorry, guys, most are chick flicks.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Keeping Busy in Fantasy Land

I thought I would drop by and let you know what I've been up to -- writing, of course. My new novel, Dark Persuasion, is in editing. I finished it a few weeks ago topping out at 83,000 words. If you'd like more information, please feel free to visit my blog at Dark Persuasion Novel and read about the book and background.

Also, I hope you enjoy my beautiful cover designed by Robin Ludwig Design and capturing the handsome model, Jimmy Thomas, who owns RomanceNovelCovers.com.

On top of having a blog, I also started a book storyboard on Pinterest. If you'd like to follow along with the visuals, you will find me there.

Needless to say, writing fills the emptiness in my life. It's a source of deep joy for me. Frankly, it's the only thing that gets me excited. It gives me purpose. It builds my self-esteem. We all need something to fill the void. The opportunity to fantasize and write love stories is a type of therapy for me. I don't write easy stories, though, because I've never had it easy when it came to love. I write about people in times past who are faced with challenges to overcome. Life is what it is--not always easy or sugar coated.

In any event, I hope you'll visit my new sites and come along and enjoy the ride. The book is scheduled for release this summer, and I'll keep you advised.

All my best to my single friends. I hope you are well. From the bottom of my heart, I encourage you to follow your dreams, even if it means you have to walk it alone in life. Each of you have gifts, desires, and dreams of your own. Until the next romance sparks in your life, turn your focus to the things that make you a wonderful and unique individual.

All my best,

Vicki

Saturday, February 11, 2012

The Valentine's Post

Every year about this time I post on or near Valentine's day. I always have something to say about the holiday that I have not participated in for the past 12 years with a significant other. Frankly, I should make that 15 years, since three of the last years of my marriage held no wonderful memories of Valentine's either.

The most memorable I've had in 12 years is getting a pedicure with a girl friend, sipping champagne, going out to dinner, and a movie. That was our single Valentine days.

This year I don't have much to say, however, I do have something to share. This article is frankly RIGHT ON, as far as I'm concerned, about the state of affairs when it comes to love in our society.

Take a moment, click the link and read it. I think you'll enjoy and probably agree that Love Hurts More Than Ever Before. Blame the Internet and capitalism.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Washing Away the Past

I love New Years. It's my favorite holiday of all, because this holiday gives me a great gift -- the ability to wash away the past year and start anew. I'm happy to have the wave wash ashore and erase 2011. For me, it was a year of challenge and stress.

My journey started with my 18-month-old granddaughter coming into my life. For 10 months, I was her caretaker. It was wonderful getting to know her, but the single most difficult task to undertake at my age. There is a reason God gives toddlers to those in their twenties. It's not for those in their sixties. It goes against nature.

With her came the germs from day care that turned into a bout of pneumonia and too many colds and intestinal revenges to count. When summer arrived, I tripped and broke my shoulder. Try lifting a toddler to change a diaper with a broken shoulder. It's not fun. Then all the stress threw my thyroid into a tizzy from too fast to too slow. I'm waiting for it to make up its mind which end will win.

Beyond my granddaughter came financial challenges, stress at work, and dealing with worry over the choices those close to us make. My ex-husband showed up on my doorstep this fall, and I took him into my home and gave him a place to sleep while he was traveling. He made promises of help to me; he once again broke promises to me. Now he's off finding himself again half way across the world from another recent divorce. I doubt he'll find anything. Then I signed up for the free weekend on eHarmony once again like a dummy, and not one freebie talked to me. You'd think I'd learn!

However, on the positive side, the one thing that gives me joy in life -- my writing -- went well. I released three books under my own imprint. I gave away over 6,000 free downloads for one on Amazon last week, and sold more of my other three books than ever before. Not enough to quit my day job, but enough to give me a sense of accomplishment. If it wasn't for writing and people telling me they enjoy my stories, I'd really curl up into a fetal position and just stay there sucking on my thumb.

The year has been interesting to say the least; and frankly, I'm glad it's washed away. It hasn't been one of my favorites. The Mayans, of course, tell us 2012 is supposed to be no better. All I can say is, if the world does end, at least one good thing will come out of it. I get to leave all my credit card debt behind.

Nevertheless, I'm trying to prepare for a future. I'm looking to buy a condo. Can't afford much, but I can't afford the rising rents in my area either. Hopefully, I'll pound two more books out. That's probably more than I can do, but I'll try anyway. My granddaughter is supposed to come back and visit in May for six months. Not sure if I'll be on another six-month stint doing granny care or not. I'll have to see.

I do hope, though, things settle down somewhat. It seems that I'm not alone in my problems as far as struggles over the past year. Many of my Facebook friends and those at work have faced a challenging 2011 too. Maybe 2011 is suppose to toughen us up for 2012. Whatever. I suppose I could say, "bring it on." However, I'd rather say give me a break instead.

In all my petty troubles that seem to loom so large in my vision, I can't forget the thousands who have suffered worldwide in 2011 from natural disasters, wars, hunger, and homelessness. Even though we often hurt, there are those who hurt much worse and have lost everything, including their lives. To remember the souls who truly washed away in 2011, brings perspective to our own momentary little irritants of life.

Wishing you all a wonderful 2012. May your new year be filled with peace and happiness. Of course, above all, I wish you find the love that you're seeking or otherwise the continued strength to go it alone as a single human. Whatever your lot may be, hopefully grace will be your portion throughout the coming year.

Sincerely,
Vicki