Sunday, November 25, 2012

Tell Me What's Bothering You

The past two months I thought I'd try counseling again to help me through some down times and life disappointments.  Not that any of you out there have any down times or disappointments.  As usual, I'll do the confessing for you.

I've been to counseling about four times in my life.  Twice for short periods during my 18-year marriage - once for endurance; the other for the courage to leave a harmful relationship.  Then when I got my heart broken in 2005, I crawled back in the chair and had a good cry.  Since then, it's just been me, my dog or cat, and my disappointments to carry on my own.  

Since I have a number of free sessions that I can use through my insurance before I have to pay out of pocket, I thought I would sit back in the chair and bellyache awhile to a friendly ear.  I went back to the same person I had seen in 2005 thinking it was a good fit.  Last week, she pretty much kicked me to the curb as a lost cause.  Not in so many words, but it sure does get discouraging when you can't seem to change the way your counselor wants you to at a snap of the fingers.

Needless to say, her style irked me, so I'm not going back.  I think the biggest contention we had was her wanting to change me into some type of social butterfly by getting me out there more to socialize.  Yeah, I hibernate.  Yeah, I write fantasy fiction.  Yeah, I don't have many friends.  However, I still consider myself a fairly mentally stable individual.  I'm not about to kill myself or anyone else.  There are things in life I find pleasure in, it's just not being a social butterfly.  

I guess she thinks if I put myself out there, then I'll meet someone.  That, of course, was my biggest complaint.  No mate and no sex for 13 years.  However, I had other issues I wanted to touch upon, hurts, disappointments, and revelations of recent regarding the bad decisions I've made in life.  Most of those can be attributed to my childhood sexual abuse.  Unfortunately, we never got to that point.

It's really hard, too, to feel good about yourself when there isn't anyone in your life to drop positive things in return.  I told her I felt bankrupt inside, because I don't have a mate or close companion.  A healthy relationship in my mind is one where we each deposit good things into each other.  We love, support, and validate the worth we have as human beings.  Without someone, it's really hard.

Perhaps my counselor, who is married by the way, thinks the way to fill that void is to fill it with things that I don't deem that relevant.  Having lunch with someone at work, going out after work for a drink with the girls, or inviting someone over isn't really my cup of tea. I've done it before -- it still doesn't fill the void -- it only fills the empty hours alone.  I've always been a shy and solitary person, but I've also been a very passionate and loving one with the right people in my life.

None of the issues I wanted to tackle, were tackled.  Her agenda differed from mine.  She thinks I'm in denial.  Perhaps I am.  However, I've always been resistant to people trying to change and mold me into what they think I should be, rather than letting me polish who I really am underneath.  Is that so wrong? 

In any event, I may after the first of the year find another counselor to talk with, or maybe I won't.  For now, Whiskers my cat listens to all my gripes.  He climbs into my lap when he sees me cry, and purrs when I love on him to let me know he loves me in return.  

Just telling my readers how it is with me in the single life.  I really started this blog years ago just to dump my frustrations. It's interesting though how many emails I get telling me it mirrors the very thing my readers feel.

Have a great week,
Vicki